I have shared my testimony
here many times of how I was diagnosed with brain tumour at 20yrs while
studying engineering and then again it recurred after 3yrs and how my dad was
diagnosed with blood cancer exactly 10 months after my 2nd surgery.
The storms kept hitting from my 20th yr and ended with my dad’s
passing due to cancer in my 30th year. There were my surgeries,
MRI’S, treatments, Dad’s chemotherapies, ICU’s, hospital visitations, endless
and countless reports and then dad’s cancer relapsing just before my sister’s
marriage and he passing away in 2020. So I and my sister somewhere stopped
believing anything good would ever happen to us. Our brains became wired to
expect only the worst news possible for our family. We felt like we were
praying to a God who had abandoned us as a family and we just had to exist!
I didn’t doubt God’s existence. I did pray but subconsciously
somewhere along the way I stopped expecting and hoping good from God. I can’t
remember of a single year from 2009 which didn’t involve hospital visitations
or at times one family member being admitted in the ICU. And everything stopped
with Dad’s passing away. I prayed and hoped for dad’s healing but that didn’t
happen. I have been praying for my complete healing and restoration of health
for 13yrs now and that’s not happening either. (I still struggle with balance
and co-ordination and therefore can’t balance myself and walk, along with many
other nerve conditions).
I am still learning and knowing and tasting God’s goodness through my
experiences and these are the 5 major things I understood:
1) I
DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING TO TRUST GOD. God
has never asked us to understand everything that is happening to us and around us and all our circumstances and then trust him. HE just wants us to trust
him. The book of Job tells us that. We see Job asking God ‘why was he
suffering?’ (Job 3-31). We know the reason why he was in pain. We know
Job chapter 1 and the scene in heaven and the dialogues between God and Satan
but Job didn’t know any of that. He kept demanding and appealing to God for an
answer. God did not condemn Job for crying out in his pain. God did answer Job
in a whirlwind (Job 38:1). And although God responded with questions about HIS
power over his creation, nature, animals, the earth's foundations or vastness
of the universe compared to human understanding, HE did not answer the
specific "why" questions Job was asking.
We know that God is a good God and we place our trust in God’s
character. Moreover I believe a certain uncertainty is required for our faith
to be completely activated. If I already have a back-up plan, I don’t have to
rely on God and trust him completely. It is only when I am uncertain about my
future, about my tomorrow, when I don’t have a bank balance to fall back on, I
am struggling to see a future beyond the suffering and pain, I will exercise my
complete faith and trust Him! Only then will I live by faith and not by sight
(2 Corinthians 5:7). Only then will I be able to look beyond my now, beyond my
present physical circumstances and move forward and not be stuck!
2) DON'T
LEAVE GOD . Be near HIM. Stick with HIM. Do whatever
you have to i.e., stand or sit or crawl or kneel or lie down at the foot of the
cross but always stick to him even if you don't understand. I am again
reminded of Job's life. When a series of disasters and losses happened one
after the other and he lost all 10 of his children (Job 1:13 onwards) all in a
single day; he fell down in worship (Job 1:13). I could not resonate with
that. I have fallen on the ground but never was it as an act of worship. Infact
when my dad passed away, I didn’t read the bible for months. But when Job’s
sufferings prolonged, he questioned GOD wanting to know why he was in this
suffering. He cursed the day he was born (Job 3:1). Now that was something I
could easily relate to. Job questioned , argued and accused God of injustice
and of being against him and complained directly to God. His prayers show us
the depth of his pain and confusion, He could not reconcile why all these
terrible things had happened to him and demanded an explanation from God
himself. But with all this we see he never left God’s side. He didn’t curse God
and die like his wife said(Job 2:9). Job was lamenting to God but he never left
GOD.
Personally, I was always ‘okay’ with my brain-tumour but was
‘not okay’ with my Dad’s diagnosis. I complained, cried , reasoned, argued with
God. Be vulnerable and honest with GOD. He doesn't want a 'put
on' or 'façade'. We cannot fool HIM who knows our heart. He knows exactly how we
feel and all our emotions. Being raw, unpolished, real , genuine and
honest with God and bringing raw grief, anguish and honest questions to God in
prayer is a form of faith, not a sin! But no matter what, Never
leave HIM. Like Job said in 13 verse 15, ‘Though he slay me yet will i
trust him….’. We trust God’s wisdom and sovereignty even when we do not
understand why we suffer.
3) THE
IMPORTANCE OF HAVING FELLOWSHIP. Surround yourself with people who
pray for you. When the sufferings get too hard and too much and you question
everything including your existence and you are too tired and exhausted to
pray, your fellow family believers will rise up and intercede for your family
as their own. When I was suddenly diagnosed with tumor, I don’t remember my
mom and dad ever being alone for my MRI or doctor appointments but like shadows
to them my church elders were always present with them. My entire church
gathered every evening at my place, fasted, knelt down, raised hands and cried
loudly and prayed as if their own daughter was sick. My church showed me what
it meant to pray for others as their own by literally being present, keeping
aside everything but taking time after their work to come and join hands
and cry and pray in unison. More than me it was an encouragement and support to
my parents reminding them through actions that they were not alone. They were
not only physically present but also brought food, washed dishes, cooked and
cleaned if needed. When something like a brain-tumor or cancer happens,
one really can’t change the circumstances or take the suffering and pain away
of the person or family but 'by being present with your time' and not just saying
‘I will pray for you’ can really bring comfort to the family.
4) OUR
GOAL IS ETERNITY; BEING A HEAVEN CITIZEN. This is not our home and we
are just journeying through earth. Our focus is eternity, being with God
eternally and suffering is needed for steadfastness, for humility, for setting
us apart i.e. sanctification process. It is necessary for our growth as a
Christian. As difficult it is to hear and understand but our faith will be
challenged and tested and we will be subjected to pruning on earth because he
is preparing our souls for heaven, for our home, for eternity with HIM. And
moreover Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 that ‘we do not loose heart’
because our troubles and sufferings are ‘light which is but for a moment’
and '..... we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things
which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things
which are not seen are eternal.’
5) GOD
IS IN CONTROL; When negative reports would come in and when
circumstances didn’t make sense , I would remind myself that God is in control.
I would tell myself that this is not to harm me but to better me and I have a
future (Jeremiah 29:11). God’s intention is to never harm us or make us suffer,
but he has a plan and purpose for everything.
Every single thing that we go
through in life has a reason that only God knows! But I know this, it
is for our benefit , for our edification. It is for our humility as sufferings
remind us of our limitations and keeps our pride in check. It is for our
complete dependence on Sovereign God. It makes us shift our focus from
temporary perishable things to our eternal hope. It produces endurance and
character (Romans 5:3-4). It sanctifies us, purifies our souls (1 Peter 1:6-7)
Experiencing trials equips us to empathize with others and comfort other
believers so that we can be useful vessels for his kingdom. (2 Corinthians
1:3-4). And above all it brings God glory (Romans 8:17-18) because
Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness(2 Corinthians 12: 9-10).
We worship a good God who knows our every pain, every feeling, every thought of weary, every emotion, our heart, our intentions, our temptations, our doubts, our fear and he alone can give us hope, genuine joy and peace that passes all understanding. I have hope. Hope that I will get better on earth, that someday I will walk properly with complete balance but even if that doesn’t happen, I know I have the Great Hope of Eternity with HIM!
For me the bigger question that kept lingering was ’what if God doesn’t do that big miracle that I have been asking and praying for? Will I still trust HIM with everything?
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