To my Dad.........

Seeing your empty chair ,me turning around but not finding you sipping coffee in your lungi or not seeing you listen to songs and sermons on youtube, you not reading your Physics books..this all seems very unreal to me! I cannot  accept  this reality where you are no more, Where i can’t  see you or hear you or talk to you or hug you  everyday.  Its almost a month since I have heard you call me Blessy!             Turning 31 today, without you,your physical presence,without you placing your hand on my head and praying @12 midnight,like every year ...... And thinking that it's going to be like this from now on is breaking me!             Over the past 10 yrs,i have many dates  fixed in my head, 11th May 2009, when I was suddenly diagnosed with a rare brain tumor, 25th May  2009, my first brain tumor surgery 17th July 2012 ,my second brain tumor surgery, And many more such dates of my radiations and MRIs and of my many 'firsts' after my surgeries...the first-time I tried to balance and sit  or the first time I spoke a word properly or held a pen..etc..etc!!            But this date and time ,24th March 2020 and1:57pm are numbers  engraved in my mind deeply! Because everything leading up to that date and time is very fresh yet somehow seems very blur at the same time!            I remember your every action, your every reaction, every  expression , every small sound you made, every word you spoke and I also remember my helplessness just staring at you knowing that you are going, knowing that I couldn’t  do anything about it, the non-stop crying and talking to God under the mask, the doctors walking in and out with all negative reports, hearing that the treatments were not working,me keeping Psalms 91 on a loop next to your ears, the many sermons on YouTube that you wanted me to play,telling you I will see you soon in heaven ..the non-stop video chats with Betsy and admidst all this, looking up the 15th floor hospital windows ,trying very hard to accept  the reality of you leaving us for this lifetime!                 In 2009,when  my Mom and Dad were suddenly told that their daughter had a rare benign brain tumor called pilocytic astrocytoma, which happens to one in one lakh people and usually from the age of 5-20yrs, and I happened to get one at the age of 20, I told myself…its okay.. It happens sometimes!! I just happened  to be VERY UNIQUE. God fearfully and wonderfully made me!!              When the doctors said my chances of survival were very less or for sure I'll lose my ability to maybe see or hear or speak amongst many other things after surgery but when I came out completely fine, I said I Am BLESSED!              And after 3yrs, when my routine MRI, showed the tumor growing again and the doctors told my Mom and Dad she has to immediately undergo radiations for 28 continuous days.I kept reminding myself of Jeremiah 29:11.."...he wants to better me!!"             When we were told after a couple of months that the radiations didn't work at all and that the tumor was irresponsive to the radiation,that it happens very rarely, only one in 200 or so cases.I said I am VERY VERY UNIQUE!!             We were shattered again when informed that the tumor recurred again and I had to undergo a 2nd  surgery immediately!  The doctors nodded a yes  but said a 2nd brain surgery is way too risky so we can't guarantee anything but we’ll have to try!             Lying on the operation theatre bed  the second time, looking up at those same theatre lights, the second time, I was like it's okay, I am not the first person to undergo all this!! God is in control!            The sorrow, the pain, the distress it must have caused you’ll, as my Dad and my Mom,is completely unimaginable!! What Betsy too had to go through! But everything was fine,it was all acceptable to me!           But then exactly after 10months, when you were suddenly diagnosed with cancer,I felt my heart ripped off !! I could not accept that.Because I honestly thought  every family had to go through something big and we were done! My brain tumor was that '"something big" that we as a family had been through, twice!!          I was still sitting with pillow-walls around me ,trying hard not to fall but just balance myself when I  would see you and Mom go for your weekly appointments and injections and treatments.The helplessness,I ,as a 24yr old, would feel, not being there for them when I can't even get up from my bed on my own! The Devil was playing with my thoughts and would eventually entangle me into depression,so i buried myself in the Bible,reading and studying the scriptures, writing my understandings! It was my escape!!         And so,when your medical reports came out to be all negative,i knew from my personal experiences, that absolutely nothing is impossible for God! I knew we live by faith and not by sight! I knew not to believe in worldly reports but to trust him! And I did!!...  But still you went into a deep sleep, you had to go, God called you back!I          And I know wholeheartedly where you are right now! I Know that you are with your Maker…that makes me smile! And  I know one day I'll meet you again but its just that I don't know when that day will come! Till that time I will not have my Appa around!!           I don't even remember now how I used to walk before my surgeries,with complete balance!Balancing is a luxury for me! I have forgotten my old voice or my speech! Sometimes I just yearn to twirl,to turn around quickly or walk fast or walk freely !!The loads of MRIs,the  hospital visitations,my walk, my speech,my appearances, I have accepted everything as my ‘New Normal’.I have always tried and focused on what I can do as opposed to what I can't do! I have always been positive!  But this is unacceptable to me that now my new normal will include you not being here,with me,on earth!            Everything that I did ,as a kid and as an adult, my every small achievement, especially in the last 7yrs,after surgery,involved you in it!  Be it my engineering exams where you came along for me and waited patiently for 3 hrs in the adjacent rooms ,inspite of your health!!Or my internship, my weekly physiotherapy,or my daily walks with you in the park!! You transitioned from my ever-present, protective Dad into my best friend!           I am okay with the brain tumor that happened to me, but sometimes I wonder why you, too had to go through  cancer ,the pain, the struggles, why you had to see your daughter go through surgeries and then you too had to go through the same….and finally one day, leave all of us .....! I will never understand anything!!          I know I am not the first person to lose a parent! And I know that me dealing with a brain tumor and you dealing with cancer, together at the same time is also not the first case in history but then you suddenly stopped dealing with everything! And on the 24th of March, as we were watching you, you slowly stopped breathing ... , now leaving me as a brain tumor survivor still but making you ‘a was’…. ‘he was a cancer-survivor’!                       I just know… God is in control!!